Love is overtly complicated in Japanese Culture.
Japanese people tend to have an extremely hard time saying the words “I love you”. Unlike America where everyone perhaps overuse the word “Love”, in Japan the word hardly ever uttered. If a Japanese person says they love you, you better be grateful, they don’t say it often.
This is especially true of Japanese parents.
I have only to this day heard my mother say she loves me ONCE. It took a year silent treatment and an intervention from my husband. My husband (who’s Caucasian) called my family without me knowing, and basically laid it down to my mother that I needed to hear those words come out of her mouth. She tried to explain to him that Japanese people don’t say that, but he basically said “I don’t care” and if you don’t my wife probably won’t make it (meaning I just might end up dying of heartbreak). I admit I was overtly depressed about not hearing those words come out of my mother’s lips and there was a chance I would have taken my own life. Because I have to say I truly love my mother and not hearing the words back absolutely broke my heart.
This all occurred this year. After she said it to me though, it’s like a weight was lifted from my chest.
This is where being Hafu messes with you. In America, you hear parent’s tell there kids they love them left and right. In Japan, parent’s don’t say such things. I’m certain Japanese parent’s love their children, they just never say it. As my mother used to say, it’s more important to show it than say it. Also how they show it is weird too. Instead of the hugs and kisses American kids get, Asian kids usually get more trust, things, and money. Money was the way my mother showed me affection. She just bought me things including my bachelor’s degree (which I am forever grateful for). Although, it sounds like a cheap way out of giving physical affection, considering how tight money was in our house growing up, giving me money and things actually required a bit of sacrifice on my parents part. My mother got me a lot of things.
However, this lack of saying “I love you” tends to mess with your psyche when you watch American television. Even the dysfunctional families on television say they love their children. Watching this, and knowing that you’ll never hear it from your own mom makes you a bit crazy. Actually, it makes a lot of Asian-Americans who has a first generation parents crazy. When American ideals are bombarding you, you can’t help but to become influenced by them.
Even knowing that Japanese people don’t say the word often, does not comfort you as a child growing up in the states. After all, I am also Half-American being raised in a culture where the words are said freely. You just want to be like all the other kids and have that ideal parent telling you that they love you.
To get an idea why the word love tends to be so sacred, I recall my mother telling me that you should only say you love someone once in your life, which is before you married a person. She told me that the word “love” is a word not to be taken lightly and that if I said those words to someone I should mean it for life. Whether or not you two don’t get along at times, even through betrayal, forgive and love that person till you die.
It’s pretty heavy and pretty unconditional
I asked my mother why she was so unwilling to say it to me, I guess because there word for Love isn’t as multi-facilitate as the American definition for love. Meaning that the word isn’t used for motherly love or friendly love… etc
Frankly, I think there was always a fear that I might disappoint her or not return the love to her and that she didn’t want to chance it, as sad as that sounds…
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Family かぞく(家族 )
I’m going to go to Japan in June on business. I haven’t been back since I was 7 years old. There is a lot I want to do regarding seeing my family when I’m in Japan but…
I have zero contact with my Japanese relatives. I guess because my mother has little contact with them as well. My mother is very anti-Japanese family relations. Japanese families tend to have a HUGE sub context with each other. There are so many family obligations that it tends to cause family fights. This is the main reason my mother left Japan. She HATES family obligations. If you think it’s like American Family obligation you’re totally wrong. It’s an absolute nightmare in customs and culture to be around family. It’s not a matter of you “should” go to your mom’s house for Christmas. In Japan a lot of “should” is replaced with “have to”. And if you don’t do something like you’re told to do, you get yelled at or alienated by the family members. Then the family fights begin. It’s a total pressure cooker.
My mother is the youngest of 7. All her siblings are brothers. Since she has no sister and no mother I think that also makes her less likely to want to talk to the family or deal with family obligations.
Out of my mother’s 7 brothers only one is still alive today. I really wish I could see him before he dies, mainly because I don’t remember what he looks like, but my tour guide cousin (S) is unwilling to go to their house. Why? I haven’t a clue. My mother said it was some stupid family fight thing. She tries her best to pretend to be ignorant about the whole thing. In fact my mother plays dumb a lot in Japan to avoid all kinds of family fights and obligations. This works amazingly. If you pretend to be stupid to a lot of things, you’ll be surprised how much you can get away with. They might talk about you behind your back as being stupid, but you also get the freedom to do what you want, this in Japan is a major luxury. My mother is actually very intelligent and got this concept of playing dumb at an early age to get away with a lot of things.
S is trying to run away from her family obligation (me). I guess she still sees me as a little kid and a burden. Now I understand that I’m not totally fluent in Japanese especially when it comes to reading and writing, but I would like to think that I’m not a child either. I understand Japanese railways tend to be confusing even to Japanese people, but getting around isn’t rocket science. I’m certain I can find my way around if someone gave me an address. I understand how Japanese address works, it’s different from our, but again it’s not rocket science, if I get totally lost I could always hail a taxi.
The idea that I need to be handheld everywhere is insulting. I know this is a typical Japanese way of thinking. “How could a non-Japanese person get around Japan on there own?” Hmm… by using my brains and asking for directions? It’s just like anywhere else! If those people of Amazing Race could do it in Africa… how is it that I couldn’t do it in Japan? I speak the language for crying out loud. Anyway, it’s a common thing for Japanese people to drastically underestimate people, especially if you’re a gaijin. It’s not out of rudeness, I think it’s because they are brainwashed into thinking that “Japanese anything” is much more difficult than anywhere else. I guess it’s the exact opposite of the American mentality that everything is a piece of cake.
While American’s have a “can do” attitude, often times Japanese people have the “can you?” attitude.
My mother keeps trying to reassure my Japanese relatives that they don’t have to do anything special when I get there and that I can take care of myself. If I can find a Konbin (convenient store) I can eat. I actually like Konbin Onigiri (rice balls) and Bentos (Japanese lunchbox). I also like Japanese Drinks and we all know a Japan has a vending machine around every corner. Besides I’m a grown woman. I think I can handle it. I think I can handle dining in a restaurant. I can read enough to order and I eat just about anything, so it’s not like there is going to be a problem with me eating.
Anyway, this traveling to Japan is quickly becoming very troublesome. Sooner or later, you’ll see me just finding a local youth hostel and staying away from my family all together. Going and coming as I please. Unfortunately, I am obligated to go to the cemetery and pay my respects to the dead and to locate that I will need help from my cousin…
I have zero contact with my Japanese relatives. I guess because my mother has little contact with them as well. My mother is very anti-Japanese family relations. Japanese families tend to have a HUGE sub context with each other. There are so many family obligations that it tends to cause family fights. This is the main reason my mother left Japan. She HATES family obligations. If you think it’s like American Family obligation you’re totally wrong. It’s an absolute nightmare in customs and culture to be around family. It’s not a matter of you “should” go to your mom’s house for Christmas. In Japan a lot of “should” is replaced with “have to”. And if you don’t do something like you’re told to do, you get yelled at or alienated by the family members. Then the family fights begin. It’s a total pressure cooker.
My mother is the youngest of 7. All her siblings are brothers. Since she has no sister and no mother I think that also makes her less likely to want to talk to the family or deal with family obligations.
Out of my mother’s 7 brothers only one is still alive today. I really wish I could see him before he dies, mainly because I don’t remember what he looks like, but my tour guide cousin (S) is unwilling to go to their house. Why? I haven’t a clue. My mother said it was some stupid family fight thing. She tries her best to pretend to be ignorant about the whole thing. In fact my mother plays dumb a lot in Japan to avoid all kinds of family fights and obligations. This works amazingly. If you pretend to be stupid to a lot of things, you’ll be surprised how much you can get away with. They might talk about you behind your back as being stupid, but you also get the freedom to do what you want, this in Japan is a major luxury. My mother is actually very intelligent and got this concept of playing dumb at an early age to get away with a lot of things.
S is trying to run away from her family obligation (me). I guess she still sees me as a little kid and a burden. Now I understand that I’m not totally fluent in Japanese especially when it comes to reading and writing, but I would like to think that I’m not a child either. I understand Japanese railways tend to be confusing even to Japanese people, but getting around isn’t rocket science. I’m certain I can find my way around if someone gave me an address. I understand how Japanese address works, it’s different from our, but again it’s not rocket science, if I get totally lost I could always hail a taxi.
The idea that I need to be handheld everywhere is insulting. I know this is a typical Japanese way of thinking. “How could a non-Japanese person get around Japan on there own?” Hmm… by using my brains and asking for directions? It’s just like anywhere else! If those people of Amazing Race could do it in Africa… how is it that I couldn’t do it in Japan? I speak the language for crying out loud. Anyway, it’s a common thing for Japanese people to drastically underestimate people, especially if you’re a gaijin. It’s not out of rudeness, I think it’s because they are brainwashed into thinking that “Japanese anything” is much more difficult than anywhere else. I guess it’s the exact opposite of the American mentality that everything is a piece of cake.
While American’s have a “can do” attitude, often times Japanese people have the “can you?” attitude.
My mother keeps trying to reassure my Japanese relatives that they don’t have to do anything special when I get there and that I can take care of myself. If I can find a Konbin (convenient store) I can eat. I actually like Konbin Onigiri (rice balls) and Bentos (Japanese lunchbox). I also like Japanese Drinks and we all know a Japan has a vending machine around every corner. Besides I’m a grown woman. I think I can handle it. I think I can handle dining in a restaurant. I can read enough to order and I eat just about anything, so it’s not like there is going to be a problem with me eating.
Anyway, this traveling to Japan is quickly becoming very troublesome. Sooner or later, you’ll see me just finding a local youth hostel and staying away from my family all together. Going and coming as I please. Unfortunately, I am obligated to go to the cemetery and pay my respects to the dead and to locate that I will need help from my cousin…
Monday, March 26, 2007
Laughing わらっている (笑っている)
I work with the Japanese people from Japan. This in itself isn’t anything special but the Japanese people I have in contact with usually have very little experience with American life/customs/culture. I mainly have this job because I can translate Japanese with some proficiency, although there is always room for improvement since my Japanese skills hasn’t grown since I left Japan when I was 7 years old. So conversational Japanese, I can do, complicated translations or words… no.
I work in particular with a guy whose English skills are pretty good. I can understand him most of the time.
Although, his English skills are good, he has this annoying habit of laughing when he asks me for something. It’s not a belly laugh but one of those nervous laughs Japanese people do when they aren’t exactly comfortable. Although his nervous laugh permeates the entire conversation.
Laughing has many meanings in Japan.
Now I understand why he (let’s call him A) does this, it’s a Japanese way of being polite when asking someone of something. It’s a way to say, I know I’m bothering you but can you please do this for me.
Japanese people tend to have a very hard time asking for something directly. Which annoys me like you wouldn’t believe. It’s my American side coming out. I think if you want something you should be direct and to the point, Japanese people rarely does this. So a conversation that should last a minute tends to go to 5 minutes.
This laughing also bothers me because my colleagues tend to misunderstand this laughing. When A asks me for something, I usually have to say “no” for one reason or another. This then turns the nervous laugh into the “I’m not pleased” laugh, which sounds exactly the same. My colleagues read this laugh as “I understand, I’m okay”, which it isn’t. His laugh means, “I’m not pleased, I’m going to suffer because of this!”
I tried to explain to my colleagues about this, but they don’t seem to get it. They then corner A and asks if everything is alright. Of course he’s going to say “YES”. That’s what they are bred to say, Japanese people are conformists!
Anyway, I’m trying to get his habit of laughing to go away. It’s not working, but I keep trying. It’s counter productive in an American working environment to laugh when you’re not pleased, Americans with no culture reference has no clue. If he stops laughing maybe he’ll finally say he’s going to have a problem with our “no” answer and ask for some explanation he could give higher ups… Although I try to give him an explanation before we end the conversation, not all my colleagues do.
I do feel for A because of the hassle he has to go through working in an American work environment. Hopefully before time is up he’ll learn to assert himself and stop the nervous laughter.
I work in particular with a guy whose English skills are pretty good. I can understand him most of the time.
Although, his English skills are good, he has this annoying habit of laughing when he asks me for something. It’s not a belly laugh but one of those nervous laughs Japanese people do when they aren’t exactly comfortable. Although his nervous laugh permeates the entire conversation.
Laughing has many meanings in Japan.
Now I understand why he (let’s call him A) does this, it’s a Japanese way of being polite when asking someone of something. It’s a way to say, I know I’m bothering you but can you please do this for me.
Japanese people tend to have a very hard time asking for something directly. Which annoys me like you wouldn’t believe. It’s my American side coming out. I think if you want something you should be direct and to the point, Japanese people rarely does this. So a conversation that should last a minute tends to go to 5 minutes.
This laughing also bothers me because my colleagues tend to misunderstand this laughing. When A asks me for something, I usually have to say “no” for one reason or another. This then turns the nervous laugh into the “I’m not pleased” laugh, which sounds exactly the same. My colleagues read this laugh as “I understand, I’m okay”, which it isn’t. His laugh means, “I’m not pleased, I’m going to suffer because of this!”
I tried to explain to my colleagues about this, but they don’t seem to get it. They then corner A and asks if everything is alright. Of course he’s going to say “YES”. That’s what they are bred to say, Japanese people are conformists!
Anyway, I’m trying to get his habit of laughing to go away. It’s not working, but I keep trying. It’s counter productive in an American working environment to laugh when you’re not pleased, Americans with no culture reference has no clue. If he stops laughing maybe he’ll finally say he’s going to have a problem with our “no” answer and ask for some explanation he could give higher ups… Although I try to give him an explanation before we end the conversation, not all my colleagues do.
I do feel for A because of the hassle he has to go through working in an American work environment. Hopefully before time is up he’ll learn to assert himself and stop the nervous laughter.
Introductions しょうかい (紹介)
Welcome to my blog! This blog is dedicated to the life I lead as a Half-Japanese/Half-American girl.
My mother is Japanese and my father is Caucasian American. The fact I mention my father is white has a meaning on its own. Japanese people tend to be prejudice against many ethnicities, even other Asians. Since Japan is a very ethnically homogeneous they tend to view people in “US VS THEM” mentality. If you’re not full-blooded Japanese born and raised in Japan you are considered an outsider. That includes me. Although, my mother is Japanese born and raised, I’m still an outsider in the Japanese world. This actually is the main problem in my identity crisis. I was raised in Japan until I was about 7 years old. I basically grew up with a lot of Japanese values, but since I started living in America afterwards my Japanese upbringing was mixed with American values. Trust me, it gets confusing at times.
American values tend not to mix with Japanese ones…
Although, I would like to think I have taken the best values out of both cultures, sometimes I’m in a limbo. In this blog, I'll discuss some of these conflicts as well as my journey to reconnect with my Japanese side. Which I'm sad to say is becoming fleeting due to the "US VS THEM" mentality...
Well, what I really want to say is welcome to my blog as I discover what it means to be HAFU or as my sister in Hawaii would say HAPA.
My mother is Japanese and my father is Caucasian American. The fact I mention my father is white has a meaning on its own. Japanese people tend to be prejudice against many ethnicities, even other Asians. Since Japan is a very ethnically homogeneous they tend to view people in “US VS THEM” mentality. If you’re not full-blooded Japanese born and raised in Japan you are considered an outsider. That includes me. Although, my mother is Japanese born and raised, I’m still an outsider in the Japanese world. This actually is the main problem in my identity crisis. I was raised in Japan until I was about 7 years old. I basically grew up with a lot of Japanese values, but since I started living in America afterwards my Japanese upbringing was mixed with American values. Trust me, it gets confusing at times.
American values tend not to mix with Japanese ones…
Although, I would like to think I have taken the best values out of both cultures, sometimes I’m in a limbo. In this blog, I'll discuss some of these conflicts as well as my journey to reconnect with my Japanese side. Which I'm sad to say is becoming fleeting due to the "US VS THEM" mentality...
Well, what I really want to say is welcome to my blog as I discover what it means to be HAFU or as my sister in Hawaii would say HAPA.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)