I’m going to go to Japan in June on business. I haven’t been back since I was 7 years old. There is a lot I want to do regarding seeing my family when I’m in Japan but…
I have zero contact with my Japanese relatives. I guess because my mother has little contact with them as well. My mother is very anti-Japanese family relations. Japanese families tend to have a HUGE sub context with each other. There are so many family obligations that it tends to cause family fights. This is the main reason my mother left Japan. She HATES family obligations. If you think it’s like American Family obligation you’re totally wrong. It’s an absolute nightmare in customs and culture to be around family. It’s not a matter of you “should” go to your mom’s house for Christmas. In Japan a lot of “should” is replaced with “have to”. And if you don’t do something like you’re told to do, you get yelled at or alienated by the family members. Then the family fights begin. It’s a total pressure cooker.
My mother is the youngest of 7. All her siblings are brothers. Since she has no sister and no mother I think that also makes her less likely to want to talk to the family or deal with family obligations.
Out of my mother’s 7 brothers only one is still alive today. I really wish I could see him before he dies, mainly because I don’t remember what he looks like, but my tour guide cousin (S) is unwilling to go to their house. Why? I haven’t a clue. My mother said it was some stupid family fight thing. She tries her best to pretend to be ignorant about the whole thing. In fact my mother plays dumb a lot in Japan to avoid all kinds of family fights and obligations. This works amazingly. If you pretend to be stupid to a lot of things, you’ll be surprised how much you can get away with. They might talk about you behind your back as being stupid, but you also get the freedom to do what you want, this in Japan is a major luxury. My mother is actually very intelligent and got this concept of playing dumb at an early age to get away with a lot of things.
S is trying to run away from her family obligation (me). I guess she still sees me as a little kid and a burden. Now I understand that I’m not totally fluent in Japanese especially when it comes to reading and writing, but I would like to think that I’m not a child either. I understand Japanese railways tend to be confusing even to Japanese people, but getting around isn’t rocket science. I’m certain I can find my way around if someone gave me an address. I understand how Japanese address works, it’s different from our, but again it’s not rocket science, if I get totally lost I could always hail a taxi.
The idea that I need to be handheld everywhere is insulting. I know this is a typical Japanese way of thinking. “How could a non-Japanese person get around Japan on there own?” Hmm… by using my brains and asking for directions? It’s just like anywhere else! If those people of Amazing Race could do it in Africa… how is it that I couldn’t do it in Japan? I speak the language for crying out loud. Anyway, it’s a common thing for Japanese people to drastically underestimate people, especially if you’re a gaijin. It’s not out of rudeness, I think it’s because they are brainwashed into thinking that “Japanese anything” is much more difficult than anywhere else. I guess it’s the exact opposite of the American mentality that everything is a piece of cake.
While American’s have a “can do” attitude, often times Japanese people have the “can you?” attitude.
My mother keeps trying to reassure my Japanese relatives that they don’t have to do anything special when I get there and that I can take care of myself. If I can find a Konbin (convenient store) I can eat. I actually like Konbin Onigiri (rice balls) and Bentos (Japanese lunchbox). I also like Japanese Drinks and we all know a Japan has a vending machine around every corner. Besides I’m a grown woman. I think I can handle it. I think I can handle dining in a restaurant. I can read enough to order and I eat just about anything, so it’s not like there is going to be a problem with me eating.
Anyway, this traveling to Japan is quickly becoming very troublesome. Sooner or later, you’ll see me just finding a local youth hostel and staying away from my family all together. Going and coming as I please. Unfortunately, I am obligated to go to the cemetery and pay my respects to the dead and to locate that I will need help from my cousin…
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3 comments:
Joanna: I have to say that I like your blog. I am a regular reader of Shari's blog, and I have learned a lot about japan just from reading that. I look forward to reading your blog because (i know this is obvious to you) unlike Shari you're closer to the society in a way, despite your problems with relatives.
I had a college roommate who was South Koren, she was born there and everything, but her mother died in childbirth, and she was given up for adoption three days after she was born. She was adopted by an American G.I., and never went back to Korea until almost a year ago to see her family. I can't understand how hard something like that would be.
Also I like the name of your blog, you must be a half-life fan.
Hi Cmuwriter:
Thanks for reading my Blog. I wasn't actually expecting other people from Shari blog to be interested, but I'm glad you like it. Shari, did inspire me to write about things that's been on my mind for some time regarding my Half Asian heritage. Hope you stop by and read again!
Reconnecting is hard, but I imagine it's even harder for your friend. At least my relatives know who I am and they have seen me before. Asian families are extremely hard to penetrate into they tend to have 2 faces, one for public and one for inside the family. But being Korean, I suspect she’ll have even more problems. Koreans and Chinese are a bit different than Japanese people. Their obligations to families are even more intense than it is in Japan. Tell her to not take a lot of things to heart. It’s a cultural difference that even a kid born and raised in the middle has a hard time coping with.
Hi Joanna,
This comment is actually in response to a blog that you commented on but I can't seem to make a post because of site restrictions! The page was: http://myso-calledjapaneselife.blogspot.com/2007/05/youre-liar.html
I came across this article because of my own relationship worries, and I was looking for some advice.
I'm a male in my mid 20's, and I recently spent a year in Tokyo teaching English. I have traditional western values and I am only interested in serious relationships.
When I got there, I stayed at a home-stay that I found online. It turned out that the woman running it was recently divorced. She is is in her early 30's.
well, almost right away I started to develop really strong feelings for her. time went by and we started dating. Things seemed great.
the problem was i felt something looming overhead, like I was missing some part of the picture. my instincts felt off. as time passed, I heard more and more stories, jokes, etc. from students and coworkers about infidelity. I read articles about high infidelity rates in Japan.
I felt completely paranoid for a long time. There were other male home-stay guests and I started to feel like maybe it was a trick, that I was getting sucked in to something awful. I tried to confront her (probably stupid to do?) things got really confusing. There were all kinds of ambiguities from communication problems. During our time together, I broke down a few times out of such a paranoid feeling. My mind jumped back and forth between 'we're in love' and 'i'm being used', even 'am i using her?' I went crazy.
Now, when I try to talk to her about that time, she gets really upset, that it's too soon to think about such a bad time. I can't really disagree, because I accused her on 'gut feelings' without any real evidence of cheating, and caused her a lot of suffering. I was not a good boyfriend during that time.
She denies that infidelity is common in Japan, and finds it insulting that I would think so. She also says she hates roppongi, and would never go, but basically wants to ignore the idea of it.
I have a strong belief in monogamy. I didn't even intend to start a relationship in Japan, but her and I really connected. I just can't stand the idea of committing now, starting a family, and learning later that infidelity - and absolute denial of infidelity - are expected, even encouraged.
just a note, she's actually got quite a few ear peircings, doesn't wear makeup, casually drinks/smokes, and says that people sometimes consider her to have a bit of a masculine personality in Japan (she likes motorsports, doesn't use makeup). these things are not at all a problem to me, but struck me as being 'outside conservative Japan' so I thought I should mention them.
Help! I feel like this could be a great relationship, but I don't know what to do to clear my mind. It's been making me crazy for a year!
I'd love to discuss it more if possible
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