Love あい (愛)

Love is overtly complicated in Japanese Culture.

Japanese people tend to have an extremely hard time saying the words “I love you”. Unlike America where everyone perhaps overuse the word “Love”, in Japan the word hardly ever uttered. If a Japanese person says they love you, you better be grateful, they don’t say it often.

This is especially true of Japanese parents.

I have only to this day heard my mother say she loves me ONCE. It took a year silent treatment and an intervention from my husband. My husband (who’s Caucasian) called my family without me knowing, and basically laid it down to my mother that I needed to hear those words come out of her mouth. She tried to explain to him that Japanese people don’t say that, but he basically said “I don’t care” and if you don’t my wife probably won’t make it (meaning I just might end up dying of heartbreak). I admit I was overtly depressed about not hearing those words come out of my mother’s lips and there was a chance I would have taken my own life. Because I have to say I truly love my mother and not hearing the words back absolutely broke my heart.

This all occurred this year. After she said it to me though, it’s like a weight was lifted from my chest.

This is where being Hafu messes with you. In America, you hear parent’s tell there kids they love them left and right. In Japan, parent’s don’t say such things. I’m certain Japanese parent’s love their children, they just never say it. As my mother used to say, it’s more important to show it than say it. Also how they show it is weird too. Instead of the hugs and kisses American kids get, Asian kids usually get more trust, things, and money. Money was the way my mother showed me affection. She just bought me things including my bachelor’s degree (which I am forever grateful for). Although, it sounds like a cheap way out of giving physical affection, considering how tight money was in our house growing up, giving me money and things actually required a bit of sacrifice on my parents part. My mother got me a lot of things.

However, this lack of saying “I love you” tends to mess with your psyche when you watch American television. Even the dysfunctional families on television say they love their children. Watching this, and knowing that you’ll never hear it from your own mom makes you a bit crazy. Actually, it makes a lot of Asian-Americans who has a first generation parents crazy. When American ideals are bombarding you, you can’t help but to become influenced by them.

Even knowing that Japanese people don’t say the word often, does not comfort you as a child growing up in the states. After all, I am also Half-American being raised in a culture where the words are said freely. You just want to be like all the other kids and have that ideal parent telling you that they love you.

To get an idea why the word love tends to be so sacred, I recall my mother telling me that you should only say you love someone once in your life, which is before you married a person. She told me that the word “love” is a word not to be taken lightly and that if I said those words to someone I should mean it for life. Whether or not you two don’t get along at times, even through betrayal, forgive and love that person till you die.

It’s pretty heavy and pretty unconditional

I asked my mother why she was so unwilling to say it to me, I guess because there word for Love isn’t as multi-facilitate as the American definition for love. Meaning that the word isn’t used for motherly love or friendly love… etc

Frankly, I think there was always a fear that I might disappoint her or not return the love to her and that she didn’t want to chance it, as sad as that sounds…